Rabu, 14 September 2022

Dandelion

No being will find happiness in everything. At least that's what I've been thinking since dad left.

If I don't get happiness from family, I hope I get happiness in friendship.

If I'm unlucky in relationships, I wish myself luck in education.

If my heart's desire is not fulfilled, I hope I have a good career.

If I'm not happy with everything, I hope I'm happy with myself.

However, if all invaded in the form of an invisible current, then I gave up and chose to go with the flow.

Back when I was 7 years old, when my friends chose Cinderella as their dream partner, I chose Belle. At that time I chose it because I liked the color of the clothes and the roses. I'm not interested in horses or even handsome princes in fancy dress. And most of all I hate being dictated to clean the house. And of course the new person in the family.

But at my age now, Cinderella is closer to my fate. The only difference is that my mother remarried, and apart from homework, my appearance and body shape were not subject to dictation. So when the 'prince' appeared, I felt that withdrawing was the right choice.

I'm not stupid, but prefer to be realistic. It turns out that when I think back, choosing Belle from a young age has something to do with who I am today. Starting from my first love which he said was 'handsome', I actually fell in love because of his behavior. Likewise with my next love. All about personality.

Say as an only child, I was always lonely. From a young age, my mother was busy with school and her career, my father was busy working and I was closer to my nanny's family. So it will be very easy to make me fall in love by treating me well and listening to my story. And everything I need is in you. And you gave it without a word.

I am chatty when telling stories and you are the calm one who listens, I am always confused by all considerations and you are calm when making decisions, I am careless and you are painstaking, I am ignorant and you are firm, I joke and you laugh, I can understand your needs and you always help me without being asked. We are very complementary to a superficial relationship. But I'm still happy with the time we've spent together.

I think, after all this time I finally found happiness like everyone else. No, it's not about laughing in front of other humans, it's about feeling understood.

I am always required to understand other people's feelings and circumstances, then who will understand me? I'm really tired and want to 'go' if only no one to talk to me anymore. Because I'm tired.

But when you came, I was afraid to have you too many women want. I'm afraid when I believe in falling, you're gone while I'm broken. I'm scared of myself if that happens. I know it's selfish, but I want to convince myself first without pressure from anywhere. I want to be reassured by you a little more, but it seems that I doubt you. So I kept quiet.

I cried and wanted to tell a story, but the next second I felt it was unnecessary, I would just embarrass myself by crying and burdening other people's minds with my problems. Then the next second I would cry again and feel alone. Nobody knows, and I'll be laughing out loud again later.

I wasn't lucky anymore and I was breathing heavily from shortness of breath every day, but I was forced to be happy. In front of my family, friends, students, and even my mother's cooking which is always intended for her husband. The point is that my family and even my boss want me to be perfect and understand those who unfortunately I can't refuse because I don't feel good. It seems that Allah wants to make me save my reward by being patient.

Even though I just want to rest after being tired. Not taking orders anymore.

In the end, I only asked Allah to send me someone who would accompany me and listen to my story before I left. Like a dandelion that will find new life and happiness while flying. The place where he fell, where he will live together with his partner. When he makes a choice, his choice will not go away.

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